


just wrap me in your arms (i don't wanna be nowhere else)

by capriciousmayhem



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cuddles, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Oops, Self Harm, a double bear hug, but too im mentally drained from crying to write three characters, im sorry, taeyong needed a hug last time and now he needs a bear hug, this is a mess but i wrote it in one go after a breakdown so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-17
Updated: 2018-09-17
Packaged: 2019-07-13 17:27:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16022576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/capriciousmayhem/pseuds/capriciousmayhem
Summary: it crawled under his skin, devouring him from inside and it was too much to take, too much to handle. his mind raced and not for the first time, he just wished someone was able to read it.





	just wrap me in your arms (i don't wanna be nowhere else)

**Author's Note:**

> a mental breakdown wasn’t on today’s agenda and neither was this fic but oh well
> 
> title from nf - can you hold me ft. britt nicole

regret.

it flooded his mouth, bitter and acrid and overwhelming. it filled him with so much disgust, so much repulsion that he couldn’t help the tears that welled up and began to fall. everything felt so revolting, so disgusting and taeyong tried to breathe but all he could taste was shame, shame and embarrassment and he wanted to scream. 

his heart felt heavy and he dry heaved, his sobs not stopping. it felt like they could go on forever, as if he’d never stop crying and the desire to hurt himself was at the forefront of his mind. it pulsated and his arms involuntarily tensed, the want for pain pounding in his veins. 

he felt so out of control, so destructive, so hateful. 

self-hatred and regret and embarrassment were the only things he could think about and it made him grit his teeth, dig his nails into the palms of his hands. they instinctively jumped to his arms and he scratched at the skin, blunt nails leaving white lines. 

it wasn’t enough, it wasn’t _enough_. 

his feelings only intensified but he continued; he added more pressure because it was what he deserved, it’s what he needed, it’s what was right.

broken cries wrenched themselves from his lungs and it hurt - it didn’t feel satisfying anymore but he didn’t want it to. he just wanted to hurt himself, to spite himself and take away whatever could make him happy, even in the slightest. 

his face was stained with his tears and he couldn’t stop. his skin felt raw but he just sobbed and kept going. he wanted to bleed, he wanted to hurt, he didn’t want anything else. 

in his head, thoughts tangled in themselves and he couldn’t make sense of anything other than the shame of being himself, the regret of ever saying anything and being alive and the crippling fear of johnny’s disappointment. 

_“call me if you need me, okay?”_

that’s what he had said, but taeyong didn’t. 

taeyong had felt small things earlier in the day and he knew he wouldn’t be okay. but he didn’t call johnny like the other had told him. instead, he’d bolted for the bedroom when the voices in the back of his head got too loud and the time between the sporadic pangs of negativity became too short. 

he’d shut himself in, closed the door, and drew the curtains. laying on the bed, he’d shoved his earbuds in to fill his mind with music to block the world out. 

and then the tears had come and they hadn’t stopped. 

johnny would be disappointed. johnny would be disappointed because last time it had happened, they’d talked about taeyong hurting himself. he remembered it because johnny’s eyes had been glossy too and he’d sounded small at the end. 

taeyong didn’t want to, he truly didn’t. he didn’t want to hurt johnny; didn’t want to see the only person who put up with his high maintenance get hurt and leave him too.

but what did it matter anymore?

taeyong fucked everything up anyway. he was obnoxious, presumptuous and always in the way. people didn’t like him, they tolerated him and what would one more person mean? 

_johnny meant so much more, johnny meant everything._

he just regretted. regretted ever making himself known, letting him embarrass himself by just being there.

why did he ever open his mouth?

he should just keep quiet. unassuming, demure, docile, in the background. maybe enough to just fade away, to disappear.

his chest ached and he took a shuddering breath, blinking away stray teardrops from his eyelashes.

his eyes seemed drier now, though the residue of tears was still left on his cheeks. his hands had stopped tearing his skin and the stale air of the room made it sting. it was too dark to see, but he knew he had managed to cut himself. 

limbs feeling like lead, he spared a glance at the time and belatedly realised how much time had passed.

johnny would be home soon. 

the idea sent a whole new spike of anxiety through him and he tried to inhale but it was so shaky that his eyes began to tear up again and he felt his tired body tremble. 

each breath felt like it rattled his skeleton and he wanted nothing more than to crumple and collapse in on himself. 

why was he like this?

he wasn’t mentally ill. his breakdowns were few and far between. it was just that sometimes, his mind became overactive. overactive to the point where he couldn’t cope. 

he wasn’t mentally ill. he was just a mix of character flaws brought up in an unhealthy environment. 

he wasn’t a good person. he wasn’t kind, nice or benevolent. he was selfish, shameful, annoying and just seeking attention.

disgust flared in his mind and he felt like he was going to break down again. the thoughts kickstarted and suddenly he was in a war against himself again.

it made him feel like he was going to go insane and he just wanted it all to stop, to please, please, just _stop_. his heart rate doubled and bile climbed the back of his throat and his hands quivered and shook and he couldn’t see through his clouded vision and he couldn’t calm down and his breaths were so short and shallow and he felt so, so weak. 

heaving and choking, he sucked in uneven gulps of air between sobs. rolling into a ball, he tucked his head between his legs and rocked backwards and forwards trying to just _breathe_. 

distantly, though taeyong couldn’t hear, keys jingled and the door closed. 

"taeyong?” johnny received no response, but he could hear muffled cries and made a beeline to the bedroom.

trying the door, he expected it to be locked but was surprised when he opened it and saw his boyfriend curled up on the bed. 

heart jumping to his mouth, he rushed to his side and johnny’s chest ached when he saw taeyong’s arms scratched red, the skin torn and bleeding.

“yongie, baby,” he said softly, cautiously touching taeyong, avoiding the raw areas of his arms. 

taeyong hid himself further and johnny climbed on the bed with him, pulling the smaller boy into his lap. he gently pried taeyong’s hands away from his face, lightly caressing where he’d hurt himself. it pained him to see the realisation dawn on the other’s face that he knew and he watched him flinch and look away. 

“don’t look,” he whispered, his voice weak and hoarse. 

“it’s okay, it’s fine, taeyong,” johnny tried to reassure him but his boyfriend just looked more conflicted. 

wiping the tears from taeyong’s wet cheeks, he could see the internal argument happening in the other’s eyes. seeing it made his heart feel weighed down and he couldn’t imagine how taeyong felt, so he pulled him close in an attempt to comfort him. 

the hug was the final breaking point and taeyong fell to pieces in his embrace. his grip was like a vice around him and johnny just reciprocated, enveloping taeyong in his signature bear hug. 

“i love you, taeyong, i love you. you don’t have to be alone in this,” johnny murmured, his voice cutting through the younger’s quiet whimpers. “i’m here for you, baby, i love you. we’ll get through this together, okay? i love you so much.” 

nestling into johnny, he somehow managed to mould closer to him and mouthed his stuttered, broken thank yous into his boyfriend’s neck. 

he’d try to explain his breakdown later, but for now he just wanted to be held in johnny’s arms and feel safe; protected as though his demons couldn’t reach him here. 

johnny was his shield and taeyong doesn’t know how he’ll ever be worth his love.  

**Author's Note:**

> this was a mess im a mess im ok now tho
> 
> yes i know this is lowkey literally the same as the other one i wrote but surprisingly my breakdowns have things in common and after discovering what actually comforts me, i gotta get comfort from somewhere u feel?
> 
> also - dont scratch urself i would rate it a -3/10 on yelp bc Not a Good Experience™


End file.
